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 Post subject: Jokes Page
PostPosted: Tue Jul 06, 2004 9:48 am 
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Send us YOUR jokes! Submission by Leystone please.





(The management reserves the right to steal your jokes and make lots of money by telling them to people and passing them off as your own. The funniness of your joke could go down as well as up. This forum may contain nuts)


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2004 3:48 pm 
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Lester wanders up to Valhalla to get to talk to Odin.

Entering the halls, he asks the Allfather... "Odin, what does a million years mean to you?"

Odin replies, "A minute."

Lester asks, "And what does a million gold pieces mean to you?"

The Allfather replies, "A copper."

Lester asks, "Can I have a copper?"

Odin replies, "Yup, in a minute."

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Beetee the 5th. "Nyeeeaa... gerofahtofit!"


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2004 3:56 pm 
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The Militiaman had stopped Spirius for obvious drunken behaviour, but since the guy had had a bad time of things recently, he decided to escort him home. "Are you sure this is your house?" the trooper asked as they wandered into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

"Shertainly!" said Spirius, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that desk? Thash mine. You shee that fireplace? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

The officer followed Spirius as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. He pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the militiaman replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"

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Beetee the 5th. "Nyeeeaa... gerofahtofit!"


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 09, 2004 4:55 pm 
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An old mage Kept a beautiful garden around his tower of power.
In this garden stood two statues, a man and a woman, running to embrace one another. These statues had stood for hundreds of years and had been a source of joy for the old mage.

One day, the old mage felt his time was near and wanted to reward the statues for the peace they had brought him.
Gathering his power he unleashed his will upon the statues and they instantly came to life.

"My friends, " Said the mage, "As a reward for long service, I grant you life. But only for half an hour. That is all I can do. Please indulge yourselves however you wish in the time you have."

The statues looked to one another for a second, then, with unbridled glee, they ran into the bushes hand in hand.
Bushes rustled madly and sounds of groaning, exertion and laughter could be heard for several minutes.
Soon they emerged covered in leaves and grass stains.

The mage looked at them, "But you still have 15 minutes left you know?"

The statues looked at one another again and grins lit their faces again.
"Let's do it again!" They both cried.
As they turned, hand in hand, and ran for the bushes, one called to the other;

"This time, YOU hold the pidgeon down and I get to sh*t on it's head, ok?"

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Beetee the 5th. "Nyeeeaa... gerofahtofit!"


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2004 6:07 pm 
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Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) Constituancy
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

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Beetee the 5th. "Nyeeeaa... gerofahtofit!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:11 am 
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Courtesy of Carsons, NDM Healer

The Emperor, a Wolf, and a farmer are walking around a beach. Upon it the find a magic lamp. A djinn appears, and says in a gruff voice 'you each get a wish', to which the wolf replies 'isn't it three?'. It answers 'union rules, buddy.'
The farmer steps forth, and states 'I wish my lands would prosper' and with a blink of an eye his farms became fertile, and he and his family became richer than lords.
The emperor steps forth, and says 'My intrests lie with my empire. I wish it to be surrounded by a wall to high to fly over, to steep to climb, so none may attack us.'. And with that, a wall dominated the skyline, surrounding the empire.
The Wolf asked of the djinn 'did he just ask for a wall around his kingdom? Excellent! Fill it with water, please!'

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Don't mess with the Jester...


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:12 am 
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Courtesy of Jaster, WADC

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Wolf Navy named Captain Samuel Trelawney who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Samuel Trelawney's lookout spots a pirate ship approaching, and the crew become frantic. Captain Samuel Trelawney bellows: "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieves the captain's red shirt and while wearing the brightly coloured garment, the captain leads his crew into battle and defeats the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men are sitting around on deck recounting the earlier triumph. Eventually one of them asks the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

"If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood," replies the captain. "Thus you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sit and marvel at the courage of such a manly man's man.

The next morning, the lookout spots not one, not two, but 10 pirate ships approaching, and the crew stare in worshipful silence at the captain awaiting his usual orders.

Captain Samuel Trelawney gazes with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship and, without fear, turns and calmly commands: "Get me my brown trousers."

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Don't mess with the Jester...


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:13 am 
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Courtesy of Jaster, WADC, although now I come to think of it he might want to remain anonymous for this one... So, courtesy of a "mystery contributor", then. There, that should do it.

After a particularly bitter row with Queen Kara, King Vlad was walking along a beach feeling sorry for himself.

The great All Father Odin, seeing Vlad’s distress thought he might help cheer him up, and appeared at King Vlads side.

‘King Vlad, I see you are upset. Now as a special gift to you I offer you one wish, choose away!’ Stated Odin with a satisfied grin.

King Vlad thought for a while and replied, ‘Oh great All Father, I should like a bridge to be built between here and Orkney, so that I may travel quickly without having to suffer seasickness at sea.’

Odin looked at King Vlad and cried, ‘King Vlad, what a thing you ask. Why the manpower alone would begger me within a month not to mention the materials. This is a very materialistic Wish King Vlad, a wish most unbecoming of someone of your reputation. Perhaps you should choose again?’

Once again King Vlad was thoughtful for a while, and his mind drifted back to the argument with Queen Kara that has so caused his current malady. As he thought a wish began to take shape in his mind.

‘Oh great All Father who knows every thing, I desire wisdom as my wish. As you are aware, I recently argued with Queen Kara and this has made both of us sad. For my wish I want to understand women, whenever a woman is sad I want to know how to cheer her. When ever a woman is angry I want to know how to calm her. Whenever a woman is irrational, I want to understand her. Hear me Great One for that is my wish!’

Once again Odin looked at King Vlad in a very thoughtful way, and after a while stated, ‘Just how wide do you want your bridge to be?’

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Don't mess with the Jester...


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 8:55 am 
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Another Jaster Special... Honestly, he's going to do me out of a job!

A few years ago, Prince Radek was talking to King Vlad, and finally got around to asking the ‘BIG’ question….

"Daddy, where do we come from?"

King Vald squirms a bit, but thinks it's time for Prince Radek to know the facts of life.

So, King Vlad proceeds to tell his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life develops in the womb and finally how a child is born.

As King Vlad tells the story, Prince Radek’s eyes get wider and wider.

And when his dad was finally finished, Prince Radek says: "Wow, that's really neat. Sure beats what Jaster told me. He said that he came from Ravendark."

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Don't mess with the Jester...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 8:56 am 
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Yet one more from the Jaster Book Of Wolf Faction Jokes
The young Skally was being put through the paces by Captain Samuel Trelawney.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" Requested our heroic captain.

"Throw out an anchor, sir," Skally replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" Declared the amazing sea captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir." Retorted Skally

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said Trelawney. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Don't mess with the Jester...


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 12:46 pm 
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Lester walks in to a bar with Beetee on his shoulder. He orders a drink and while he's drinking Beetee jumps all around the place. The Imp grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at Lester, "Did you see what your bloody imp did?"

The jester says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," he replies, "He eats everything in sight, the stinky little git. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

Lester finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff Beetee ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his imp is with him. He orders a drink and the Beetee starts running around the bar again. While the jester is finishing his drink, the imp finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his backside, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your disgusting imp did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies Lester.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his backside, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Lester. "He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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Beetee the 5th. "Nyeeeaa... gerofahtofit!"


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 11:33 am 
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Courtesy of Jaster

Gansk was riding in his carriage on his way back to Ravendark when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," Gansk said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the carriage, which was no easy task, even for a carriage as large as one used by a Storm Raven.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Gansk and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Gansk smiled and replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 10:03 am 
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Yet another Jasterism

Poor Little Nim has been seeing Master Healer Samuel for ages for treatment of the fear that she had monsters under her bed.

It's been years since she's had a good night's sleep. Worse than that, her progress has been very poor and he knows it. So, one day she stops seeing Samuel and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Little Nim bumps into Samuel in the market square. Samuel is really surprised to find Little Nim looking rested, energetic, and cheerful.

"Sam!" Little Nim says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" Master Healer Sam says. "You seem to be doing much better. How has this happened?"

"Well I went to see another doctor," Nim says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"Just one session?" asks Samuel incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Little Nim, "my new doctor is Jaster."

"Jaster?" Samuel asks quite shocked. "So how did he manage to cure you in only one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Little Nim. "He cut the legs off of my bed."

**********

Lester's Additional punchline: Then Jaster was heavily fined by the Healer's Guild and the Carpentry Guild for operating without a license... :P

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2005 11:40 pm 
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Another one from Jaster, clearly the king of all funny stuff in the Faction. In fact, I think I might make him the new High Bard this year...

Owain went to see doctor Samuel suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, Sir Sam turned to him and said:
"Owain, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
"You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Owain was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he eventually left Sam’s House Owain was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a leather forge and thought to himself new hero pants and armour would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
He entered the shop and told the elderly armourer: "I'd like some new hero pants please."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
"That's right, how did you know?" said Owain, laughing.
"I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the armourer.
Owain tried on the trousers and they fitted like a glove.
As Owain admired himself in the mirror, the elder asked: "How about a new jerkin?"
Owain thought for a moment and then agreed.
The old man eyed Owain again.
"Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
Once again, Owain was surprised.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
So Owain tried on the leather Jerkin, and it was a perfect fit.
As Owain adjusted the collar in the mirror, the Old man asked: "How about new boots?" Owain was on a roll and so thought, why not?
So the salesman eyed Owain’s feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
Owain was astonished.
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
Owain tried on the boots and they were also a remarkable fit.
Owain walked comfortably around the forge and the old man asked:
"So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
Owain thought for a second and agreed.
The armourer stepped back, eyed Owain’s waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
Owain laughed.
"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
"Oh yes I can," replied Owain and have been most of my life.
"I don't understand," said the Old man. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 12:26 pm 
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Jaster came up with these, and for once I'm not jealous

A few years from now, Carrick was watching his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two insects mating.
"Daddy, what are those two insects doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," Carrick replied.
"What do you call the insect on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Carrick answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," Carrick replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, that might be OK in Albion, but we're not having any of that **** in Norsca"

************************************************************

Runa awakes during the night, and her husband, Fitz isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of beer in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his beer.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Fitz looks up from his beer, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the hayloft making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says Runa, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
Fitz continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the crossbow in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

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Don't mess with the Jester...


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